The past few days I have had a lot on my mind. I have debated whether to blog about the thoughts or just keep them to myself. I realized though, when I put my thoughts somewhere out of my mind I generally stop obsessing over them. I suppose it does help also that I really don't know who, if anyone, is even reading these posts.
There is a false sense of security in that thought.
The other reason I decided to go ahead and put these thoughts out there is because if you were to call me or talk to me in person for more than five minutes I would probably unload it all onto you anyways. You would probably start backing away and be gone before I realized it but I just need to TALK about it.
The hubby will be home soon. I am excited. I am elated. I am anxious. I am nervous. I am worried. I also have a MAJOR to do list. 1. Call lawn service. 2. Call Merry Maids. 3. Buy Food.
Before he left, our marriage was rocky at best. During this time apart though, God has done many works on us individually and on us as a couple. So why worry? Why can't I just trust and be excited.
I do not doubt all God has done within us. I do not doubt that he will continue to work out issues within us personally and as a couple.
My fears come from whether we will take what God has done and go forth with it. Or will we stay so stuck on the past that we will forget that "our future is before us and not behind us." (Thank you Beth for sharing that with me/us in Jacksonville!!)
These past months have been huge, life changing months. I am in awe of the answered prayers and the revelations God has shown me. I feel like now I am being called to act on them and well, what if I can't. I realize *I* can't. What I think I mean is what if I don't. Then I think what I mean is, what if the hubby doesn't. I find it ironic that my biggest fear is worrying about him when that is the one thing that I think I have learned more than any other. I can't fix him or make him do anything. I can only, through Christ, fix me and then trust that He is working it out with the hubby.
I feel like we are coming back together as new and changed people, but I suppose my worry really lies in what if we don't see that in each other.
I hate the "what if's" game. It robs me of the joy I should be experiencing.
Love,
Cara
Friday, May 30, 2008
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Hi Cara.. I found your blog from the siesta blog roll. I am saying a prayer for you and your hubby today.. I wrote some stuff down after my marriage did not work out, here is a short piece
You choose each other, and next to choosing God, that is the most beautiful design of love, the most perfect picture of acceptance. Here is my short list of things I wish I had done or not done while married to him.
1. I wish I would have supported his dreams more.
2. I wish I would have said more things to build him up
3. I wish I would not have ever called him names
4. I wish I would have let him be my best friend
5. I wish I would have defended him more
6. I wish I would have shown him the kind of Love that comes from God
7. I wish I would not have kept him from my heart
8. I wish I would have not needed to be right
9. I wish I would have told him when I needed him
10. I wish I would have seen him as a gift.
Now let me tell you it is really hard not to make a list of “I wish he would have”, but that is what God it doing in me. If I can focus on me and do what God leads me to do, then I will be giving God room to do what he wants to do in that other person.
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