The Difference a Year Makes

   About this time last year I was crazily running around my house trying to get my 8 year old, nearly 3 year old, and my 3 month old ready for our first day at CC. The 8 year old was nervous. The almost three year old was a very energetic little boy, who had no interest in sitting quietly in his sister's class. The 3 month old was nursing A LOT. I had not gone anywhere with all three kids by myself.
   We arrived late. Really, on the first day I was already late. How classic.

   Most of the day was a blur. What I do remember was trying to be cool and nurse the baby in my older daughter's class despite the fact that I had 2 dad's sitting next to me and I was about out of my comfort zone as I had ever been. I remember trying to chase after my son while at the same time nursing the baby. The day was mostly chasing and nursing. It was stressful. It was the least succesful day I could have imagined.

   It was one day down and 23 more to go.

   Just in case I had any doubts about my *fabulously, wonderful* first day, that evening it got better. I opened my e-mail and saw there was one from our CC Director. I read it and replied to her question. Also in my response I included about how wonderful my day had been and then hit send. A moment later I had a new email. It was from me. I had sent my response to everyone in our group. Once again, how classic!

   Over the following weeks I made changes to our schedule and ultimately our family had a successful year.

   Today was our first day of the 2010-2011 school year for CC. This year I had an excited and confident 9 year old. I had an almost 4 year old little boy, still full of energy, but ready for his first day in his own class. I had someone to be at home and love on my now 15 month old baby. We were still a few minutes late getting there - some things don't change.


     It was a great day. Not sure it could have gone smoother for us. There are new people that my family is looking forward getting to know. There are old friends we are excited to see again. We will have good and bad days, but as our CC Director is always saying, allow yourself grace. Allow grace for the others in our growing community.

I am

mad.angry.hurt.lonely.useless.wanting to scream. wanting to hit something. wanting to rebel and overly comply all the same time. wanting to hurt you as much as you hurt me. ready to give up. feeling as crazy as you make me feel but know I am not. ready to explode. searching for comfort. frustrated. aggravated. tired. exhausted. worn down. on a path I never saw myself. on a path I don't want to be on anymore. wanting calmness. wanting love. wanting happiness. wanting a sense of peace. tired of never knowing who you will be that day. tired of making excuses for you and for "us". holding on to something so broken. cut. in need. unable to turn my mind off. wanting to sleep. on an endless cycle. endlessly hopeful. endlessly doubtful. a stranger to myself. certainly uncertain. wanting to be numb.

What I Would Say

...if you were here.

      I think about you often throughout the day. I often reach for my cell phone to call you to tell you something the kids did, or to tell something that I just think you would find funny, or to tell you to pick up milk on your way home because I am really not up to getting all three kids into the van into the store and back into the van and home for one gallon of milk.

      I am tired of being "the bad guy". Someone else needs to do it for a while.

      Almost four year old boys do not adjust well to drastic changes. My sanity is G.O.N.E.

     I have learned that when there is no structure to our days, I long for structure and a PLAN. When our days are structured and all planned out, I long for days of just go with the flow nothingness. Perhaps I need to find a balance.

    I found a new love. Well, what I actually found is a company that sells something I have always loved. BAGS! PURSES! WALLETS! I wanted every single thing in the catalog but I only purchased three items! Now I am hosting a party to earn the rest of what I want for free or at least super cheap.

     Did I mention that you can pick the pattern you want your item in AND have it embroidered???

     Oh yes, I have found a new love.

     I have no one to pillow talk with.

    As much as I would like to say that I am past finding my birthday's important or wanting anything for them, I can't say that. I am pretty sure I am going to end up bummed out on my birthday this year.

    It is crazy to me that it has been nearly a year since I have spoken to some family members.

    Studying the book of Ruth this summer with my Sister-in-law has been rewarding in more ways than I can express.

   As much as I am ready to head home, I am dreading heading home.

  I am going to sleep now. Guess this counts as pillow talk???

 Love Ya!